I am a big girl now November 29, 2006

Being the last kid was never easy. I know its supposed to mean you get what you want and get spoilt rotten. Well. I don’t really think I am spoilt and I definitely didn’t get all that I wanted. But one thing about being the last kid is the fact that you are not expected to make much decisions on your own, whether its for yourself or something that involves the whole family. Things just happen in their due course and you just, well, happen along with the things. Now you know when the situation gets tricky? When you finally find yourself out there and your folks go “you are a big girl now, think and decide what you want”. I have been a big girl for a long time! How come I was never warned I will be left out there alone and make decisions on my own? Or was I supposed to know all along? I don’t care! Nobody told me! Hmpfff.

Now I am alone (no, not the self-pity kind of alone, the literal sense). I have decisions to be made and guess what? Nobody is going to lay out of the pros and cons and sift out what’s best for me. I need to do that myself. And its exciting among other things. Scary, I would say.

So here is the thing. I need to make some decisions and make them fast. It involves everything my life can possibly involve. Career, friends, family, being alone (Again, literal sense) and personal(you know what I mean.. no? ok ok, the ‘ending up with the right guy’ part). I don’t have much time in my hand.

When I do make a decision, this space will be the first to get updated. Yes, I am a truly addicted blogger

On a different note, its great that the visitors count to my blog has gone above a thousand and there are people who I do interest. But its more scary cuz expectations go high and this was after all meant for just me. My space, my feelings, that kind of stuff. So guys who actually are reading this, please cut me my slack. I will try guys, trust me.

Basic Instinct November 27, 2006

**Warning: This post may not seem up to the mark to a lot of you. Well, what can I say? I typed this right after I finished watching the movie, at around 12:30 in the night so I want to blame the lack of creativity on sleepiness**

I guess I am the only living human being who hadn’t seen ‘Basic Instincts’ before tonight. Well, I had definitely heard of the movie but just passed it off as another guy movie. Tonight, I was bored, had nothing much to do and decided to watch it. Incidentally I dont know how the dvd got here, probably Prat got it from somewhere. Anyway, couldn’t help commenting on it. I don’t know how long back it was made but I found it very gripping. And oh my god! Amazing performances from Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas. OK maybe these are comments that have already been made on the movie time and again. Let me say what I found intreresting. First, the way a guy can fall in love with a woman who is a total slut and openly admits having sex with multiple men just for pleasure. It totally beats me how a man, that too as intelligent as Curran, can fall in love with such a girl. Then there is the friendship between Gus and Curran. Friendship between guys always interests me because of its simplicity, openness and the fact that they can yell and scream at each other and yet not have any hard feelings following that. Don’t think girls are capable of something like that, atleast not the ones I know. Then of course the way the movie ends is pretty commendable. Now, I don’t know whether the second part is a continuation of this story, maybe it is. The DVD has that too, probably should watch that.

So long guys!

**Update: Saw Basic Insticnt 2 yesterday and it sucks big time! Only thing worth commenting was the way Sharon Stone was able to capture the character after so many years, almost 18 I was told. That woman has talent, I tell you!**

November 23, 2006

Typed something and ended up putting all those posts as ‘draft’. Today is not the day, now is not the time. Maybe I should just go home. Tomorrow is another day, new problems, new things to learn, new feedback, new pain..

Today is gone forever, and its dead, just like the things I could have done but never did or could never do..

Good night! And this I am going to publish..

Alone in a crowd.. Or rather, a confession. November 20, 2006

This is not another one of my self-pity posts. Its more of a.. hmm.. confession maybe.. One of my loneliest moments is when I am in a crowd. What? Yeah, that’s my confession. Well, I know people might have said this before and ‘alone in a crowd’ is like a catch phrase and stuff, but this is something I realize about myself more and more when I am in a crowd. Like yesterday, there was this office conference and in the evening we had this amazing party where Euphoria was performing (I should write on that cuz they’re certainly worth a post). I had a really amazing time for the first half hour. There was heady, loud music, alcohol (yeah, I am still content with just getting high when I am around it and around people who have ‘it’ in them) and it was a Friday (the biggest high of all!). Once the initial excitement and the mood wore off, I started feeling lonely. No amount of jumping up and lip syncing and going around from person to person laughing helped the situation. I was plain lonely. This is ridiculous. I had great friends, this was a great night and life was generally good (or is it?) and here I am, in the middle of 800 people and I haven’t felt lonelier. So I decided to take a step back and go and sit on one of those chairs put at the back for the oh so weak in legs. The girl (I am pretty sure she works with me) in the chair next to me was busy massaging her poor feet that had been squeezed mercilessly into one of those delicate laced high heels. She gave me a slight smile and as I placed myself on the chair with as much grace as I could at that moment, she got up with a swoosh and walked away with hip movements that made me gape (and trust me I am straight). Yeah, so anyway there was I was, perched on a chair, gracefully mind you, at the very back of the room while all my colleagues and even the managers were having the time of their lives. I was enjoying myself too, really I was, but I had this feeling that there was somewhere else I wanted to be, somewhere else I would rather be. Or is it with someone else? Hmmm.. now if that’s the case, then this becomes a self pity post and I promised it won’t be so lets just leave it at this, shall we?

November 15, 2006

A year. Sometimes in the relationship, but mostly out. Then one day suddenly it was over, and I learnt to love myself again.

The box with white lights November 14, 2006

Here I am, in a box, colorful, vibrant, made bright with artificial lights, made cool by artificial air conditioning and I need something to keep me warm, again something man made.

Sometimes I feel trapped. In this world that says I need to dress and talk and walk and act and eat in a particular way. I hate it sometimes that I need to depend so much on the money that I get at the end of it all to make my life more meaningful. And for that I need the solace of shopping or eating out or a movie brings me. Did we just complicate things while trying to do the reverse? What’s the ultimate objective here? To live each day in luxury till we die? What is luxury? Earning lakhs while staying away from home and family and friends and those familiar roads? How much longer do I have to smell those flowers and taste the rain and walk barefoot on that familiar worn out marble floor?

Now all I smell is concrete, overpriced perfumes in ridiculous bottles, seasoned flavored food, jealousy, heated computer parts, smoke..

I miss the smell of mom’s hair, dad’s pillow, grandma’s arms as she rests them on the old cushion where she lets me lie down in the nook of her elbow, my room..

I miss those days when things were simple and natural and there were no expectations, no wait, no yearning for anything.. Each day was as fresh as a new page and I could color it the way I want..

And yes, I hate the way I have given into spelling the American way. Color and flavored.. I hate myself for that..

Confession.. November 13, 2006

Ok I have to confess something. I am addicted to blogger now. I gave into Orkut becuz.. well.. I just did.. Ok ok, because the concept of ‘fans’ was appealing (there you go!grr)but blogger? Now what is this about? I mean, I know I enjoy writing and all that but that doesn’t mean I go ahead and fall for blogger, does it? Sigh.. anyway.. the truth is, I have. And I spend a lot of time thinking and framing sentences that could make a good blog. But a good many of those never make it here, so you can imagine how much I think about it cuz I average 2 posts a day here! And I think today was the record day, 4 posts!!

Let me just list down why I enjoy blogging so much:

- its a great way to realise I am not that great at writing but don’t care nevertheless

- I can write anything and not get judged for that (or not care even if I am, again!)

- Its a fun way to get out of work for some time and its fun to get comments from people you don’t even know

- hmmm.. I just like it cuz its .. fun?!

- Ok thats it… enuf!

So yeah, I am addicted and I like it

All Things Beautiful November 13, 2006

Just felt like making a list.. All things beautiful (mushy mood you could say)

• Freshly mopped floor
• The smell of the first rain on dry mud
• The wetness a kiss leaves behind
• The kiss itself
• A long forgotten 10 bucks in a long forgotten pair of jeans
• Ice tea
• Scrunchy sand on the wet beach
• Unadulterated laughter
• The smell of a freshly washed bedsheet as you go to sleep
• Smell of jasmine and tube rose flowers at a wedding
• The pink feet of a newborn baby
• You
• Me

More additions to come*

If Only.. November 13, 2006

If only…

Why is it that you get angry and not talk for days together?
Why is it that you can never tell me the reason?
How am I supposed to read your thoughts and guess my faults?
If only you would tell me…

Why is it that you always hide in your shell?
Why is it that things are often not what you think it to be?
How do I bring you out of this bubble called reticence?
If only you would tell me…

Why is it that you and I are poles apart?
With this gap reflecting in our opinions and relationship,
How do I make myself understand you?
If only you would tell me…

…Life would have been much simpler,
Eloquence helping us live better,
No guesses or assumptions to be made,
How I wish life would be that easy…

By the gal whose poetry I admire the most – Manasa

The road to heaven (or hell!!) November 13, 2006

I don’t think anyone can live in hyderabad too long without talking about the traffic in this place. In one word, its Craaaazy! Every single person who gets his vehicle on the road turns into a madman. It has nothing to do with who they are off the roads. They turn on the ignition and bham! the craziness begins. Now, we know that Indians are not that good with road signals and following traffic rules. By far this is the accepted norm and even I was okay with that. But this city, with evergrowing number of motorists and the roads that are perennially under construction takes the top seat when it comes to badly managed traffic. The police do practically nothing and even the cab drivers from coolly cut into lanes and jump traffic signals. Most of the roads are one way but there so many vehicles going the wrong way that we can’t really distinguish the right direction from the wrong.

The bright side? I am just grateful for getting somewhere alive every time I am on one of these roads!